i will bear this cross, i will wear these thorns.

okay, so my grandma sadly, like realllly sadly died last night.
i was supposed to see her this morning, since i had to go to stephanie's party. and ive been so busy lately, with the carnival, parties, and other activities that i hadnt been able to see her in two weeks. and i knew that the cancer was starting to weaken her body more and more each day. and the doctors said she would probably have 2 weeks to a month to live. and i knew it would be painful when she did pass on, but i would have more time to spend with her and make her last days on earth happy ones. but she passed before i had the chance. and i know this is untrue. and my common sense tells me so, but i cant help but feel guilty. guilty because i didnt make the time to see her. uugh. its really painful. she was the closest relative besides my parents. and now shes gone. and it just seems like a dream. a dream i desperately want to wake up from, but cant. i know she wanted us all to be happy, and reminisce about the good 'ol times. and theres no doubt that we will. and with her having 8 children (7 still alive), and that means many, many, maaany grandchildren and such. so everyone who lives out of town (which is basically everyone) are fighting over when they should book everything, who is staying where, when can people stay at our house, which priest we should use, what kind of reception, how many people, what day of the week, and flight plans. and i guess all this flustering about, and nit-picking over the fine details of the festivities is better than sitting around mourning. mourning wont help anyone. its the cycle of life, and everything feigns. as sad as it may be, we must accept that. and grieving will occur, and Kleenex will be an accessory & staple, but we will move on, and thats just what my grandma wanted. at 85 with lung cancer, we knew it was evident. but now she's up in heaven with her husband and i do believe her care-free spirit will still live on here on earth. when my dad picked me up from stephs last night and went to sugar hill, when my dad walked into her room, the hospice nurse was there and apparently she was "talking jibberish" but my dad could make out somewhat of what she was saying. and she was talking to her husband who had passed away in 2002. and some people say that its just because the person is losing consciousness, but i really believe that she was talking to him, and he was responding, and welcoming her home. but whats even more weird is that for the past week sort-of, ive been having really strange dreams about random things, like graduation, dances, carnival, school, friends and other things, but in all of them, i would have a flashback to when i was little and my grandma was holding me, playing with me, or just sitting with me or something. but i do really really strongly believe she is at peace. and ready to watch over the generations of wards to come.

R.I.P Grandma<3

Mary Ward.
October 31, 1923-June 7, 2008
♥







i love you.